Darkness
by notsoinnocentfangirl
Summary: Sirius hates the darkness. He wants nothing more than for Remus to light up his life.
1. Hating the dark

_Disclaimer: I do not own HP, nor any character in the series, though I really wish I did. Imagine the possibilities:D_

_**Darkness**_

'God, I hate the dark,' I thought as I look out the window. 'Kinda ironic, since my last name is Black.'

I sat on the window seat in the room that I shared with the other fifth year boys, unable to sleep because of the blackness of the night.

'Why does the sky have to be so dark tonight? There isn't a star in sight, not even my name's sake. I hate nights like these. I can hear the rustling of the leaves, and the creaks of the floor boards, and it all seems so much more frightening than usual, like something is going to pop out of the night and attack me.

I sigh, wrapping my arms around my raised knees, allowing my chin to rest against them.

'Nothing good has ever come from the darkness.'

I found myself thinking back to all those lonely nights I had lived through as a child, lying in my room in my dreadful family home, crying out of fear and loneliness. It was always lonely in that house, even before I had become a Gryffindor and my family had disowned me, I had always stood out.

I was always scared of what would happen when the lights were turned out. When my parents dropped the masks they wore around their friends and powerful associates, and allowed all the rage and loathing that they held for me to be release.

No, nothing good ever happened in the darkness.

Anger, pain, heartache; those are the types of things that the darkness held.

'I'd much rather have the light. Even something as small as a moonbeam would sooth the panic that is currently encasing me in its cold, harsh grip, give me at least some small comfort, as it has many nights at home, when I'd look up at it and imagine a place far away from here, away from family and obligations and betrayal.'

'Perhaps it is not so much the darkness that I fear, but what it brings, and what it stands for.'

'I still hate it though.'

I sigh again, nothing more than a whisper of a breath leaving my lips, as I close my eyes. I can hear Peter snoring rather loudly, and James muttering in his sleep about Quidditch and Lily Evans. Typical. The only bed I didn't hear a sound from was the bed I wanted to hear things from the most.

"Remus," I whisper softly.

On nights light this, when I couldn't sleep, I always found some token of amusement, as well as comfort, in the way Remus would mutter in his sleep about homework and blasted teachers, and his great prat of a group of friends.

So why was the boy so quiet now? I strain my hearing, trying to catch some type of sound that may be coming from my friend's bed, but hear nothing. My nose screws up from the effort of concentrating, I usually didn't really try all that much, and I was just about to give up and simply open my eyes, when I felt a cool hand touch my shoulder.

And though I'd later deny this to anyone that asks, at that very moment, I, Sirius Orion Black, shrieked just like a bloody girl.

"Sirius," a voice whispered harshly, sounding both exasperated and amused. "Shut the bloody hell up before you wake up the entire bloody school!"

I looked up, startled, only to see Remus standing above me, a look of exasperation written clearly across his face.

"What are you doing up at this hour, Padfoot? Is something the matter?"

I just shake my head, and continue to look at my friend, taking in his bed rumpled, light brown hair, and his drowsy, amber eyes. His sleep flushed cheeks and the soft smile that was gracing his lips.

Oh god, he is so beautiful.

I shake my head once more, harder this time, trying to rid myself of such thoughts. Remus was one of my best mates, and not to mention that he was a bloody bloke. I had no business thinking of him that way.

And yet, sometimes I just can't help it.

I was in love with my best friend, and it was bloody awful.

Because I knew he could never love me back.

This was another reason I hated the dark, because on nights like these, the temptation to crawl into bed with Remus and snuggle close, to wrap my arms around the smaller boy and hold him against me, taking in his smell and possibly even his taste…

The temptation to do all of those things, and so much more, was almost too much to bare.

I clench my hands into fists, fighting the urge to reach up and touch Remus' slightly scarred face, to take it into my hands and turn it just so, so that my lips touched his…

No, I would not do this. I wouldn't. I wasn't going to jeopardize our friendship just because of some silly little thing like love. He meant too much for me. There was no way I'd risk losing him.

Even if being this close to him, and not being able to touch him as I wish I could, was tearing my heart to shreds.

Why did I have to fall in love with him? Of all people?

I don't despise my feelings because of the fact that he's a werewolf, with a scar littered body and eyes that were often filled with pain. I loved him all the more for it, not in spite of it. And I found myself often wanting nothing more than to see him smile, than to hear him laugh and watch as his eyes light up, just to see him happy.

I don't even despise being in love with him because he's a bloke. That doesn't really matter to me. It certainly doesn't disgust me. Remus is the most attractive, beautiful, sexy individual on the planet, in my eyes at least.

No, I hate loving him because I couldn't have him, because he'd never want to be with me.

I was just his _friend._

Since when had the word become a curse, the worst type of blasmary, every time it crossed my mind?

Why could I never be content with what I had?

'God, I hate the darkness,' I thought again.

I hated it, because I was the darkness, apart of it that sometimes seemed to take over my very soul. I wanted nothing more than for Remus to fill my life with light, to chase away the shadows that always seemed to loom over me. He was everything the light stood for. Warmth and heat, beauty and innocence, forgiveness and a second chance. He was kindness and sweetness, love and wholeness, all mixed up in one.

Remus was all things good in this cruel world, and I couldn't help but want him.

How could I ever have had a chance to stop myself? It was never a choice. It was my destiny. Something that was forced upon me even as it was given as a blessing.

God, I love him.

And I hate myself for wanting something so pure.

I hate the darkness.

"Sirius," Remus murmured again, placing his hand on my cheek, turning me to face him. He looked me in the eye, searching, searching for something, trying to figure out what was wrong.

'Don't touch me,' my heart screamed, even as it rejoiced in it. 'Please, please don't touch me, because all I'll ever want is more.'

I sigh, avoiding my friend's eyes. "Nothing's wrong," I murmur, standing up slowly, stretching out my body. "Nothing's wrong," I say again, more firmly now, forcing a smile to play on my lips. "I just couldn't sleep, decided to get some fresh air is all. Sorry if I woke you Moony."

Remus continued to look at me, brows puckered in concern, before he touched my cheek once more. "Siri…"

"Nothing's wrong Remus," I say, sharper than I intended. I can see the hurt flash through his eyes, and I curse myself for causing him pain. "I'm fine," I whisper, softly now. "I'm going back to bed."

And so I leave Remus standing there, alone in the darkness I myself so despise, as I crawl into my bed. I close the hangings around me, and cry because I've hurt the brightest light in my life.

And as I cry softly, I can never know that Remus cries too, because he wants the same thing I do.

A light to chase away the darkness.

How was I suppose to know that he loves me too?

_**A/N:**__ Well there you have it. Tell me what you guys think. I may do a follow up chapter on this, but I don't know yet. Let me know if you think I should, and possibly what I should add to it?_

_Thanks a bunch for reading. Hope you enjoyed. Please review:D_


	2. Happy Ending

**A/N: **_Hey, anyone that may be reading this and waiting for an update. Sorry it took me so long. Just been a lot of drama going on with my best friend (Flippin Idiot) and an essay for APUS. I didn't want to release my frustrations out into the story. _

_Well, on that note, I hope you enjoy. _

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the HP series or any of the characters in it. That does not mean I do not use them to do my bidding, but I am not paid for doing so.

_**Darkness: Chapter 2(The happy ending, I think…)**_

I wake up late the next morning, body stiff and face tight because of the tears I cried well into the night. I don't want to get up at first. I'm so tired, and I briefly wonder why.

Then I remember. Staying up late because of the darkness, having Remus scare me when he sneaks up on me, then hurting him as I practically throw his kindness back into his face.

I groan as I bury my face in my pillow, cursing myself silently and wondering vaguely if it's possible to smother myself this way. It may be better that way.

Oh, I know that Remus will forgive me. I'm not worried about waking up to awkward conversations and pain filled glances thrown my way. I know that we'll go and pretend that nothing ever happened, and that everything was ok between us, that I didn't hurt him, and that he didn't wake up to find me sitting in a cloud of my own depression.

I should be relieved, but I can't be. Not when I know that nothing will change. It always happens this way. It's like a never ending pattern between us, of hurt and deception and friendship.

I'm tired of it.

Yes, I know that I should appreciate the fact that he is my friend, one of my best friends, since he doesn't allow many the privilege of getting close to him. I know I should be honored that he trusts me with his secrets and that he offers me comfort even when he hardly accepts it himself.

I am appreciative, and honored, and oh so glad that I have the chance to know him.

It's just that, having known him as I do, I've come to love him as well.

Friendship isn't enough anymore.

Not when I want to hold him and kiss him and simply tell him that I love him.

I can't stand having to hide these feelings from him, having to bury them inside of me, locking them in a dark, lonely room.

The darkness is very cruel.

I sigh, forcing myself to roll out of bed.

Remus is the first thing I see.

He has just rolled out of bed himself, it seems, looking deliciously rumpled and drowsy. He looks over at me and smiles shyly, so forgiving, and I can't help but smile back.

God, I love him so much.

I can feel the words on the edge of my tongue. They're ready to burst out from my lungs, so eager to escape the dark confines of my mouth, but I hold them in. I can't tell him.

He'll hate me. Be disgusted by me. I can't let that happen.

As much as I love him, and as much as it tortures me to only be his friend, I'd rather have that then the hate and disgust that would surely come if I told him my true feelings.

I sigh again and went to take a shower.

***

The week has past by rather quickly, and I find myself awake late into the night once more, silently loathing the dark.

Or maybe not so silently, considering the fact that I'm sitting here cursing and muttering.

I've tried to conquer my fear over the darkness, tried to get over it and act like a true Gryffindor.

I was supposed to be brave.

I sit on the window seat, in the same position I had a week before, legs drawn up, arms wrapped around them, as I look out into the darkness.

And this time I hear Remus as he shuffles out of bed.

I look up at him, watch as he silently makes his way over to me, sighing gently as he sits beside me. He sits there for a moment, silently looking at me, before he reaches out to me, fingers barely grazing my cheek before I flinch away.

_No, no, don't touch me, please. I can't stand it, knowing it means nothing to you…_

"Padfoot," Remus whispers, looking sad. "Why do you always pull away from me? Why wont you let me touch you, comfort you like you use to? Do I disgust you now? Why won't you let me in?"

I shake my head, my dark hair smacking me in the cheek as it flies around my face, before I look at him, just look at him.

"I don't want the darkness to touch you."

"What are you talking about Sirius? The darkness? It's out there, it can't just jump in and get us. It can't hurt us, not really, not unless we give it the power to. Do you mean my lycanthropy? Do you not want it to touch me? Sirius, you can't stop that. I've been bitten, so I'll have to deal with it every full moon. You know that. Is it because you don't want it touching you? You should know that I'd never bite you. You know this, right? I could never… that's why I've asked you to stay away. Are you afraid now? Do you no longer want to be my friend?"

I shake my head, smiling at Remus gently. How can I not, when he turns my concern for him into concern for me.

God, I love him.

"Shut up Moony. I've told you a millions bloody times, I'm not scared of you. I know you'll never hurt me. And I'll never not want to be your friend." _There are just times I am overwhelmed with the desire to be more than that. _

"Then what was all that you were saying about the darkness, and not letting me touch you, be close to you, because you don't want it touching me? Siri, Padfoot, I want to help you. I don't want you to feel any pain."

"Moony," I murmur, almost overwhelmed with the desire to touch him, to told him close and smother him with kisses. _No, I can't. He'll hate me. He'll be disgusted with me and never again want to be near me. I can't._

"You should go to bed," I say, rather than to say all those things I want to say. _I love you, I adore you, I'd do anything for you, if you only let me._

Remus growls, a soft sound deep in his throat, before he pushes me up against the wall. "No, Padfoot. You are not going to push me away this time. You are not going to send me off to bed like a good little boy, while you go off and cry until you exhaust yourself."

Upon my shocked look, he chuckles darkly, looking me in the eye. "Yes, I hear you cry, and mutter about hating the dark. God, Pads. It breaks my heart, hearing you sobbing in the middle of the night, praying for the daylight. Bloody hell, why wont you let me in? Why wont you let me help you? I don't want to see you hurt," he whispers, laying his hand against my cheek.

I don't pull away this time. I don't have the energy to. Not now. All I want is to have him touch me, to dry my tears and to light up my life.

Fucking Godric, I sound like a bloody pouf, so sappy and all.

But then again, if I'm in love Remus, doesn't that make me one?

I sigh, getting back to the matter at hand, looking at the boy in front of me, brown hair ruffled, amber eyes glistening. _God, he's so beautiful. _

"Rem, I just…"

And before I can say something stupid, or do something that will hurt him and completely destroy me, he's kissing me.

And it's the sweetest, most perfect kiss I've ever been given.

Not because the kiss it's self is wonderful. Our lips are chapped, and our teeth clash together in our eagerness. As passion takes over, it's too wet, and there's far too much tongue, not to mention the fact that our noses don't seem to want to stay out of the way.

No, the kiss itself is not perfect, but I can't help but think it is, because _Remus i_s kissing me, and bloody hell, I'm kissing him back, and we're wrapped around each other like only lovers can be.

There's a brief moment in which my mind asks me _What the bloody hell _I'm doing, before it completely shuts down, and I'm holding Remus against me, whispering that I love him, that I adore him and that I want him, that I fucking _need him._

Remus silently pulls away.

I panic at first, thinking that even while he kissed me, I may have gone too far by revealing my feelings, that he doesn't feel the same, that he was only kissing me to shut me the hell up, and that I had just ruined everything. But then I see the smile on his face, and he's gently cupping my cheek, nuzzling his nose softly against my skin as he speaks.

"I'd like to be the light in your life, Siri, if you'd let me. I'd light to chase away the darkness, and to make you forget about your fears, if that's what you want to. Please? I love you."

"It's not what I want," I whisper.

He pulls away, looking hurt, rejected.

I grab him and kiss him, ignoring his surprised squeak.

"It's what I fucking _need_ Moony. You're all I need.

He smiles up at me, cheeks pink and lips moist, and I can't help but smile back, holding him close.

Maybe the darkness isn't so bad.

So long as I have Remus with me, I can face anything.

**A/N:**_ Please review:D it really helps me feel better about myself. _

_Thanks for reading._


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